2012 03 19 Sound Files Attached

As I slowly walked towards the Belfast Harbor Shore yesterday afternoon, all of the sounds of the world seemed to fade away. The revving of the engines, the clanking of iron on iron, the planes up in the sky and the trains on the rails. It all just faded away, and I was left with the familiar sound of the waves rolling towards the beach. There were no sounds of cash registers, news casts, motorcycles, no bells or whistles, no busy signals or automated tellers. There was none of that, and it felt wonderfully normal. There was nothing but me, my wife, and the sea.

The afternoon tide was returning from its trip out to sea and I kept having to back up every so often so as to not get wet. I wouldn’t really have minded though.

Although I could just barely see a faint hint of the waves rolling in towards me, I could clearly hear them, feel them, and smell them. It was a wonderful feeling that turtle hurdled me back a million years ago. Instantly I was transformed into a teenager, walking on the beach behind the Sea view Restaurant in Lubec, without a care in the world, and all the time to go along with it. When I think of the ocean, I think of that cove where I used to spend hours walking, sitting, thinking, taking it all in. those were probably some of the most relaxing times of my life.

As I stood on the Belfast shore, I was quickly reminded of just how simple things are. Through all of the mixed up, crumbled up, shook up nonsense that we fill our lives with, it’s really the simple things that define our lives. No hustle, or bustle, or deadlines, or time frames. Just you, and family and how you fit all of the rest of it in between.

I had my digital recorder with me yesterday afternoon, so I pulled it out and started recording the waves rolling in. I wanted to send it to my folks in an email. I wanted to let them know that an old friend said, “Hello”. I started recording, figuring I would do about a minute or so. That didn’t seem long enough though. A minute was just not enough time to take it all in.

I remembered back to those Downeast days, on the shores, not wanting to have to leave the comfort of the sights and sounds. I used to walk for hours on end around that cove, and it all seemed to fit. I wanted to stay forever, and never have to leave. I remember sticking a stick in the sand at high tide; watching the waves come up and tickle the stick, then slowly, gradually, move back away from it, as the tide was changing. That was incredible how the tides continue to work, no matter where you are, no matter what is going on in the world, they never stop coming and going. A truly remarkable feat if you think about it. It is actually mesmerizing to say the least. Mesmerizing. There are so many words that describe it, and its effects on me.

If I could have, I probably would have built a house right there and lived out my days under the sun, on the shore. It was just that good of a feeling.

Well I did record a few minutes of the wonderfully soothing Belfast waterfront sounds, and as I hit the “end” button, I found myself not wanting to leave the shore, just as I did way back when. The feelings were the same, from deep inside, they were the same.

I don’t know if the smells and sounds of the sea have the same effect on others, as they do on me. I would hope they do, because it really is a mystical, magical feeling that starts at the tip of my toes, and ends at the tip of my nose. I have long feet and a big nose, so that is a lot of area to gather up a ton of sea faring emotions.

 I think if I had the credentials, I would open up a therapist office. I would put a nice comfy couch, or chair, right there on the beach. That’s all my clients would need. Forty five minutes of nothing but the sounds of the ocean. Nothing else.

Every time I have walked away from the sounds of the sea, I have felt a sort of cleansing. I have felt that no matter what kind of crap life throws at me, it would be ok. The ocean would make it ok.

Not wanting to, I did finally turn and walk away from the shore. I could feel it pulling me backwards as I walked away from it. I could hear it calling for me to come back. I could feel the pounding of the waves on the beach as I said good bye inside.

There’s something from the sea that has worked its way inside of me. It found all the right nooks and crannies, and firmly took up house inside me. I suppose that the feelings will be with me always. I suppose that a piece of me will always be wandering along that Lubec cove behind the Seaview Restaurant. Although the restaurant has long been closed, the cove remains, and in my mind, I am walking along it, stick in hand, smiling.

When I arrived home, I could not wait to hook up the digital recorder to the computer. As I scrolled through the files, I found the waves files. There were three or four of them that I recorded. I sat mesmerized as I played them on my pc sound system. The feeling was wonderful. I smiled as I thought of my mom and dad listening to the sound attachments in their emails. I hoped that they got the same feelings from listening to the files, as I did recording them.

Knowing them the way that I do, I am pretty sure that they did.

2012 03 18 Did You Feel It?

Did you feel it? Did you get a whiff of that special smell? Couldn’t you just feel it run up your back, as the thought of it made you tingle all over?

Well I sure did!

I can remember one spring day, back, oh, a million or so years ago, I looked out the living room window at the road out in front of our house, and I could actually see patches of tar through the ice. The hard packed snow and ice was finally making its spring withdrawal, and I got this tingly feeling all over. As I walked out of the house, and stood in the driveway, I could smell and feel something that seemed to take hold of me. You know the feeling when something incredibly wonderful happens? That feeling that all the pieces of the world suddenly seemed to fit in their proper places, and from the top of your head, all the way down to your toes, a magical sensation took control of your senses? Simply a mystical, magical feeling that I have only felt a few times in my life.

I had the same feeling come over me yesterday as I sat on the front porch steps and listened to my Grandson work his construction project in our front yard, with his Tonka dump truck. Seems that there were some pot holes that needed repairing, and he was more than eager to take on the heavy task.

The thermometer on the west side of the garage was reading seventy-two degrees, and it happened again.

That same special feeling crept down through me, and I was instantly transported back to that spring day in my youth. I was instantly reminded that along with the changes of the seasons, there are also changes in the heart. My spirit was warming up inside, and the thermal blankets were slowly being lifted off me, one by one. It felt wonderful.

I remember back to that time in kidville, to be able to play basketball in the driveway, after having so much snow packed down so thick for such a long time, well, to have a bare tar driveway to bounce a basketball on, now that was something special. Not only that, but to be able to stay out and play, without a coat on? Holy moly, what a day! What a life!

That first bike ride up my road, when you could hear the winter sand crunching under the tires, knowing that just a few short days ago, it was covered in ice and snow. It was spring, and I was ready for it. Don’t get me wrong. I loved winter, and everything that went along with it, but there was just something about the world around me, coming out of its winter slumber. I guess there are too many feelings that come with it to put a finger on just one of them. I think it was the combination of all of them, put together and held out there for me to snatch up. They all mattered, and they all just seemed to fit perfectly.

Spring really is my favorite time of year. There is nothing more soothing to me to watch the bare trees slowly turn green with gentle paint brush strokes that fill the landscape with life.

The spring thaw brought with it a warm soothing feeling that the incredibly special change was pulling me along with it.

As I listened to my Grandson Jack make all those familiar truck noises that go along so well with that type of heavy construction, I looked up, felt the sun on my face, and smiled. It was truly a great day in March. One that I will not forget soon.

I hear it’s supposed to be even warmer today too. I also hear that if I want, I can go outside and plop my dusty winter butt right in the middle of it. I can’t wait!

2012 03 12 What's The Combination?

Hi again.

I have tried to always be positive and upbeat, with a dash of family thrown into the mix in these blog posts, for the most part. I have dove head first into my mush melon and tried to get some of what’s going on in there down on this screen. Sometimes it works out ok. Sometimes I search for the positivity. I always write what I feel and think. I always seem to manipulate some kind of point with my posts. I thank you all who have lent me hearty comments. It really has picked me up most days. I dread to think where I would be without all of you.

I had a situation today that set me back a dozen steps or so. I was not prepared for it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was left with an old mind set trying to make heads or tales out of a truly unfamiliar situation. I was unsure of all of the things and ways that I have pulled through the difficult things this past year and a half. I was left with just me, completely unaware of anything else but me. Completely unaware that I was so close to having a good time, but even closer to letting things disintegrate in a flash. I couldn’t see the choices I had, nor did I really want to. I was stuck inside of me, the old me, and it felt so familiar that I let it talk me out of any form of common sense.

I was outside walking Deena on a leash when I walked head first into a thicket of alders. It scared me so bad that I let go of the dog leash and just stood there, panicked, and unsure what to do next. It really did scare the you know what out of me.

I was so flustered; I pulled the covers up tight around me and retreated into that lonely place that I don’t like to let anyone else into. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I didn’t care what the outcome of my actions were, all I knew was I wanted out, I wanted out as quick as I could get out.

I did not anticipate walking head first into the bushes. Probably that’s the reason that it affected me so. I was reminded again today of just how blind I am. It was scary. It was relentless and pounded me back into my obvious state. It reminded me of just how fragile I am, from the inside out. It reminded me of how lucky I am to have the people in my life to help me get through times like this.

I have put my wife through some difficult days. For the most part, I can honestly say that at times, I am the poster child for selfishness. I have done this without regard to what she has to go through being around me. Once again I am forced to look at how I can get through these rough patches without grabbing her and dragging her through it with me.

I suppose I am much better off today than I was a year and a half ago. I should be. I should be, and knowing that these rough patches still affect me in such a way, really makes me step back and look at my progress from a different perspective.

Although I try to see things from other peoples perspectives, I realize that no matter how much I tell myself that I can, I can not, and don’t. I am stuck in my perspective, and until it comes around to be able to see things from a different angle, I am stuck with it, with me.

I have learned many tools these past twenty months. I have even been given a wonderful tool box to keep all these wonderfully useful items in. Unfortunately, someday, I can not remember the combination to the lock, and I am forced to take on the days challenges with my wicked old tools. I was never too good with my old stuff. Most of it I had let just lay around and get rusty and dusty. To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember where I put that stupid tool box. Probably hauled it off to the dump or the Salvation Army. Seeing as I wasn’t using it, I probably figured they could get some use out of it.

I do have my routines around the house. Some days I even forget that I have a vision loss while I am running through these routines. Three steps, turn right, lean forward, and grab the handle and turn. It’s a piece of cake. I haven’t kicked anything real hard, or broke a toe since I started wearing the hard soled slippers my mom and dad sent me a few months back. Thanks guys. Of course, I did kick the living room door last night and tore all the skin off the top of one of my toes. I didn’t break it though, and I wasn’t wearing the slippers. I am chuckling. My poor toes have taken the worst toll of all. I am walking around the house in a size thirteen frame of mind. The only bad thing is, I have size fifteen and a half feet. Now I bet you are chuckling too.

I was surprised enough today, so that it scared the crap out of me. I panicked and acted like a little me. I ruined a perfectly good start to a wonderful afternoon. I let my vision loss get the better of me. I don’t like when that happens. I don’t like it at all. Every so often, I am reminded, quite unexpectedly, of just how much I can not see. I am reminded that I am different than I used to be, and that requires a different mind set. I am also reminded though, of just how fortunate I am to have the help of some amazing people.

My wife tops the list, by far.

I moped my way into the living room, turned the TV on, and listened to an old episode of Big Valley. I hadn’t watched that show since I was a teenager. I laid there for an hour or so, Hi coco, good girl, Where was I? Oh yeah, there I was, on the couch. I have to admit that I was feeling rather sorry for myself. I am good at that too. I tried to have a nap, but couldn’t. The dogs just wouldn’t cooperate.

Well, I got up and headed into the kitchen and turned on the Howie Carr radio show. Then I went in the laundry room and put a load of clean clothes away, and swapped the wet load into the dryer. Before I knew it, I had found my old routine again. I was still blind, but I was fully aware of it, and knew I would be ok. Everything’s gonna be ok. EGBOK. One of my favorite slogans.

The day isn’t ruined. No matter how much my attitude tried to gobble it all up and ruin every last drop of it, it just blew me off and bypassed my crappy attitude. No matter how frozen in time my frame of mind gets into, the days never stop. No matter how stuck in my relentless crap filled attitude I get in, today doesn’t care one bit. It’s gonna rise and set, just like it did the day before, and just like it will tomorrow. I guess it has better things to do.

Come to think of it, so do I.

2012 03 10 Perfect Fit

Well hi there, once again.

I have written before how inept I felt with certain things when I was young. One of those things was the fact that I would eventually grow up and have grown up responsibilities.

Are you serious? Me? Grown up responsibilities?

I did feel inadequate, so much that I dreaded the thought of having to leave the familiar comfort of my kid life. I did realize that there were probably more things to have, and do, and feel, being an adult. I did realize that there also was a lot of grown ups that had been kids, and they seemed to be doing relatively fine in their grownup roles.

I just didn’t think that I would fit in. I didn’t think I had what it took to be an adult. I wasn’t smart enough, or skilled enough, or strong enough. None of it seemed like I would be able to fit into. It just didn’t seem to fit.

Well, there I was, chugging along, comfortable and content being a kid. I had a good home, with good parents, good siblings, and for the most part, it all seemed to fit. I didn’t have to worry about having to grow up. I could just be a kid.

Probably the time in my life when things started changing was when I started working at my dad’s shop. I was thrust into a world of change, and even though it didn’t seem that I would fit in, I eventually did. I became good at the tasks I was taught to do, and very good at the tasks I instinctively knew how to do. I got along very well with my co-workers, and learned the trade from the bottom up. I realize that being the boss’s son might have had a little to do with people getting along with me, but I soon learned that it was because of me, because of my own personality that helped me.

Being brought up in my home had truly given me a head start on being an adult, and I didn’t even know it. I had grown up always watching and studying and learning from my parents, and mostly from my older brother and sisters. Wanting to be like them, wanting to be older, like them, it all molded me and steered me into being an adult. They all helped me to be able to fit.

Well, there I was, a teenager, working with a bunch of adults, and getting along with them. I was learning from them, as I had done from my family. I desired to be older, and for the first time, I didn’t fear the consequences of becoming an adult. It was all quite exciting, and it gave me a special feeling that maybe even I could turn into one of these grown ups. It was very exciting indeed.

One thing that I seemed to dread mostly about growing up was my interactions with those of the opposite sex. Nothing made me feel like a completely unprepared kid more than the thought of girl friends, relationships, or finally maybe even getting married some day. That didn’t seem to fit, no matter how I tried rearranging it.

Like I said in my last blog, things just happened, and all of those inhibitions were disappearing. I had grown up, and had found a woman that smoothed over all of my panic and fear and self doubt. I had found comfort and joy and happiness, and through it all, I had found that it seemed to fit. It seemed to fit just fine.

With a quick turn of the head, and a couple steps forward, I found myself firmly planted in a grown up’s life. I didn’t even see it coming for the most part. I didn’t know all of the changes that I had gone through. I didn’t know how my responsibilities had changed. I didn’t have a clue when the change occurred, but it had. The change had happened very gradually, and my adult life had started. Thank God it waited for me to catch up.

Ha! Who am I kidding? I am still catching up. I still can’t believe sometimes how I got here, and how fast it all happened.

Now I’m fifty something, and my son is turning thirty. Thirty? Are you kidding me? Thirty? Wasn’t I thirty just a few days ago? How in hell did he get to be thirty so fast? Help!

His childhood went by in the blink of an eye. I wish someone would have told me, so I would have slowed things down a little. It was just way too fast, and I wish more than ever that I could go back and relive it all.

Wow! I went from having to be shown how to hold him, to burping him, to watching him sleep in his crib, to rocking my little Peeper to sleep, to helping him sit up. Look at him, he’s crawling now! Man, that’s so cool. He’ll probably be walking soon, and then, holy moly! Look at him go! Don’t forget to take a picture of him getting onto the bus for his first day of school. Thanks cutie. What song did you learn in school today kiddo? Hats? Hats for sale? Did you grow out of those sneakers already? How did you get so tall, and watch out for that blue spruce! Whoops, you bent the handle bars on your first bike. Stop crying, it’ll be ok. I’ll teach you how to skate, and for heaven’s sake, don’t fall out of that tree! Just try not to get into trouble and I will let you sit in my lap and steer my truck. Watch out for that mail box! That’s better

You know, your sneakers smell like McDonalds food, and yes, I’ll pick you up at closing tonight. Just make sure you bring out a bag of left overs for your dear old dad, ok? Thanks, I love McNuggets at eleven thirty at night.

. Parallel parking? Are you kidding me? You got your permit? Oh how cool. Now I can start eating anti acids by the bushel. So this is what happened to my parents. Sorry guys, really.

You didn’t get your license the first time? The second time though, right? Oh joy. Now you can drive by yourself and I can reserve a room at the psych ward with a view.

I’ll be ok though, just make sure to straighten your cap and tie at graduation. How proud am I? I mean, really!

Did I just hear you say you bought a house, and this is my grand son, right? How can that be? How did I grow up so fast? How did this little baby in my arms become my grand son? And he is turning six next month? My little Jack Jack? Six next month? Wow! Are you serious? Hello?

Fifty years, like, “snap” that. In a blur. In a flash. In a jiffy, and here I am, all grown up, and waiting for the dust to settle down some so I can figure out where I am. I did finally grow up, right? I mean I can’t be this big and still be a kid, right? I guess I finally did grow up after all. Mostly on the outside though.

I mean, you didn’t really expect me to be able to fit into, this, all at once now.

Did you?

2012 03 05 Ya Ever Wonder?

I had a breakfast date with my big sister this morning. It was so good to give her a hug and a kiss when I saw her. I hadn’t seen her since just after Christmas when my son, grandson, and I made the trek to her home in the hills.

We decided to drive into town and have a meal at a local small restaurant that my wife and I frequent from time to time.

It was a weird morning, weather wise. When we left my house, it was sunny, but it started snowing before we made it to the end of my road, just three miles away. By the time we arrived across the river, into Fairfield, the sun was out again. Hello Maine weather.

The meal was good, and the company was even better. Three cups of coffee, and a breakfast sandwich later, there we were, headed back out into the country, and to my home again.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Some politics, some current events, and a lot about family. The topics flew into the past, and chugged back again into the present as we talked and smiled and laughed.

The discussion fell into how when we were young, we were so impressionable, and that things we idolize and crave to be like, suddenly changed from one thing, to another, without really even knowing it.

I told her about my first crush, and how hard it was for me to try and understand how I was supposed to act under this brand new extreme pressure to be someone that I was so unfamiliar with. I mean, there I was, thirteen years old, pretending to be a boyfriend to a girl I would have been just as happy remaining really good friends with. That unprepared stab at maturity chewed me up, and spat me out, over and over again. I was so unsure of myself, and really didn’t have a clue what to do, or how to act. No way, no how.

The victim of my poor attempts was a pretty girl who had captured my heart. That was no easy task back then either, seeing as how my heart was usually bouncing around, tripping me up. She had managed to corral it though, and our friendship meant more to me, at that particular time, than life itself.

I have only felt this way one other time, and it was when I met my wife. Same reaction. Same capture of heart, same stupid feelings, all over again, only this time, I not only pretended I knew what to do, I faked it over and over again.

Was I faking though? Was I pretending again, or were those gasps for breath a sure sign of something real and good?

Thirty two years later, I think they were as real a part of me as anything in my life ever was.

I know now that that first love, way back when, and this love, way back now, came so easily to me that I really didn’t have to worry about any of it. It just was, and so was I.

How did I get onto this tangent?

Little help please?

You don’t know either, right?

Ok, alternate route, here we go again.

Ya ever notice when you’re almost finished clearing out the end of the driveway from snow, the town plow rolls through, filling it back in? Ya ever think you can hear the driver laughing inside the cab of his truck? I know I sure can. Ya ever call the plow driver a long line of nasty names as you wipe the frozen sweat from your forehead while the sound of the plow slowly rolls away? Ya ever wonder why you start to sound like Andy Rooney?

Back to the tangent at hand, most of the best relationships I ever had with people are the ones that came so easily, as though they were meant to be, and waiting around the corner to jump in and smack you upside the head. They were the relationships that stay firmly planted in your minds, and hearts, and nothing ever seems to be able to lighten their impact that they had on the past.

I would like to have been able to bring all of that wonderful innocence with me into who I am now. Maybe I did and I don’t even know it. Maybe the way I feel like I have known my wife all of my life is testament to the fact. Maybe I don’t know what the heck I am talking about?

I guess I would like to thank you, Mary Beth, for your friendship back in junior high. You made my days bright, and your smile has stayed with me all through these years.

I would also like to thank my wife. It is because of you that I was able to bring that innocence along with me into the future, and spend the feeling of it with you. Because of you.

I never really thought I would ever be able to find someone to share life with. It just seemed so impossible to me, even into my later teen years.

I guess you could say that it found me. That’s what I always told my son when he was growing up, that when the time was right, it would find him, and he really didn’t have to do anything special.

It would just be.

2012 03 04 I Just Thought...

Well hi there. And just how the heck are ya all doing? That’s just about what I figured…

I am supposed to go and speak tonight at an event in Augusta. It is an event that I had the chance to participate in last June. It is an Employability Skills Program, and it was offered to me by the Division of the Blind as part of my rehabilitation program.

I am supposed to speak tonight about what has gone on in my life since I took this program last summer. I am supposed to speak to the new group of individuals that are taking this same program, in hopes of being able to find employment in their near future. These people, like myself and the others who took the same program with me last year, are visually impaired, and need some special assistance to perform tasks, like me, such as special reading magnifiers, screen readers, and other assorted accessible oriented items.

You have to know that other than a few times back in school, and a few A.A. meetings back in the nineties, I don’t have much experience with speaking in front of people. The last time I did was at our town’s local chapter of The Lions Club, back last winter.

I have no idea what I am going to talk about, but it will probably be about me, since I was told that they wanted me to talk about me, and what benefits the program enabled me with.

I have not yet found work, which is what the program was geared to help with. I know that I will be able to find work when the time is right, and I am ready to take that next step.

For the most part, I have been able to remain positive and have kept persistent with an overall good outlook on my future. This is such a contrast from the way I used to feel about things. It is, as I have said in the past, a complete one eighty from my old mind set.

I still don’t know what I am going to talk about, but I’m pretty sure that there will be at least one person in the room that can relate to my message. That person is me, and as long as I can listen to my message, and hear through all of the road noise inside my head, then I will probably gain the most from what I have to say.

I think it’s a lot like when I write. I have no clue what is going to come out of my fingertips, and for the most part, am quite intrigued when I go back and read what I have typed.  

I can remember last June, when I took this workshop, they had several individuals come in and speak to us, in the same format that I’m supposed to follow tonight. They had a great message, and their stories were not unlike mine, in that they had all been faced with obstacles, and found a way to work through them, and come out on the other side far better off than they were before.

I try to go over in my head what I might say, and it usually rolls around a while until I get confused. That happens a lot these days.

Large quantities of cheap drugs over the years have taken their toll.

Focus.

One thing that I won’t have to worry about is the stares from the people in the room. That used to be the worst inhibitor for me. I dreaded having the stares, because I would always try to associate with them, what I thought the dialogue was that went with them. I was always trying to put words into people’s heads, but what I ended up doing was to put what I thought were their words into my own saturated head. Silent distractions that eventually did me in every time.

I know it was all me, and in no way could I read peoples minds, but still I tried. I tried hard enough to believe what I dreamed up.

No more of that crap though. There are no longer stares from people. There are no longer the silent whispers that went along with their deadly glares.

It really is too bad when I think of all the time I have wasted in the past, pretending I knew what someone was thinking. Making believe that I knew what they were thinking of me. Dreaming up the different ways that I could wish away so many situations that just were too uncomfortable for me.

The uncomfortable feelings came from deep inside me and no where else. Oh yes, there were times during my life that I did draw in stares from people, and hidden comments about how I looked. It’s what I did to myself, by myself, as a result of these numbered situations that really pisses me off when I look back.

The best thing though, now, is that my own self made road blocks are slowly being taken down by me. I am the one that built them, so I guess it’s up to me to tear them down. No one else will ever be able to do as good a job as me anyways.

So tonight I will go and speak to a group of people I have never met. I will tell them things about myself that until tonight, I probably had no idea of. I will tell them who I am, and where I have come from. Most of all, I want to let them know where I am right now, and where I want to go. I do have obstacles in my path, but they are obstacles comprised of different challenges that I have to face head on, because I have chosen to meet head on, and work through in order to get to where I am supposed to be.

I am supposed to be somewhere. I’m not really sure yet where that place is, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna find out sitting here with my thumb up the old kazoo.

I will let them know what I hope for, what I dream of, and what I want in my life.

These are all new to me. I always thought I had just exactly what I needed, and thought I had everything that I deserved. I thought I knew what I had to know, and that it was enough to drag me, half asleep, across the finish line, totally unaware of what I had overlooked. I thought I would never stray from my self made levels of comfort. I thought I was going to just coast into the sunset with a big old complacent stupid smile on my face. I thought I was equipped with just enough, to last me just long enough, to get me just far enough.

What the hell did I know?