2012 07 09 I Feel Like...

I feel like, umm, I feel as though, err, I feel that I, I feel?

How do I feel? Let me count the ways. How am I supposed to feel?? What is everyone else feeling? What are they feeling about?

I think it's fair to say that feelings pretty much run a good part of my day. I start it off by feeling like I should get up. I usually end the day by feeling like I should go to bed. All of the other feelings during the day get me from point A to point B, with usually no problems, unless I feel like having problems.

I have been bombarded with thirty two thousand seven hundred and ninety three different emotions, yes, you got it, since that wicked weird day that I endured back in early July of 2010. So many different emotions, feelings, psyche swings, scattered nerve ending responses, the whole shebang. Is shebang a word? Hello Mr. Spellchecker!

Most times, I am not aware of my feelings, I just react along with them, seeing as how they go together so well. Isn't it funny how we sometimes trip over one feeling, just to get to another one?

Feelings. A seamless union of mind and matter. What we see, hear, touch, smell, taste, cause reactions which are all twisted up with feelings. Woa-woa-woa feeeeeeeeelings. Stupid song.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm no expert in the subject. Not in the least. I'm trying to figure them out, just like a long list of, everybody else on the face of this big blue spinning marble. A very long list indeed. I don't know if I know what I'm feeling. I don't know if I know what to call the feeling I'm feeling. I don't really know how to feel when I can't pinpoint the feeling that I'm, umm, feeling. I don't know if I should be feeling, or if I should not be feeling. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, but I feel as though I have it pretty well figured out.

The swelling tides of emotions, feelings, come rushing in again and again, no matter how much of a handle we think we have on them. They don't care about common misperceptions, or afflicted ignorance of the subject at hand, they just keep coming, and coming, and coming.  Relentless little buggers, full of spite, and vengeance, and reluctance, and tormented guilt.

On a happier note, lest we forget the happy, the joyous, the innocence, the affectionate tugs at the heart.

Let's focus on these for just a second.

Ok, time's up!

Smile.

Fact is, most of the time, I have no clue how to handle, or react to feelings. I haven't a vague notion which way to turn, only that I need to turn either this way, or that. There I go, being half right again.  What if I wasn't supposed to go left or right at all? What if I was just supposed to stand right here and just, feel? How ironic. I like that word ironic. I don't use it much. Isn't it ironic that I would choose not to use a word that I like so much? How do I feel about that?

I don't know what, or how to feel most of the time, I just take the stupid things, the feelings things, and run with them. I might as well, I mean, I look down, and my feet are moving. Usually that means it's me, taking them, and running with them. What a novel conception. What the heck am I talking about? I feel as though I may have just lost a lot of you. For those of you still strapped in, let us move on.

A lot of the feelings that I, umm, feel, are brought on by this lovely environment. Yes, I know, I am the center of it all, but still, a little help please, and thank you. An ever changing structural co-existence, brought on by an ever increasing need to, umm, co-exist. How cleverly evident, don't you think? Our environment reacts, therefore, we react right along with it. And here they come again, FEELINGS! How convenient.

I have had some unpredictable reactions in the past couple years. I have had some internal environmental developmental changes also, which have sent the feelings meter into a momentous needle meter fluctuation that has sent me cascading up, down, and around a spiral staircase, along side Dorothy, the house, and a tornado, looking down over a field full of poppies.

How did she feel anyway, getting sucked up like a donut crumb through an electro-lux hose? She must have been feeling quite a few different things I would imagine? And her little dog, too!

I realize that I am once again, rambling, but it feels so good. It feels wonderful. It feels like a slice of heaven. It feels as though I am standing beside myself, with tremendous outbursts of internal joy and compounded exuberance which shimmers with radiant illuminations through the pounding chambers of my beating heart. Whew. Had to catch my breath on that one.

I have hit the full spectrum of this emotional wheel of feelings. I have felt them all, dealt with them all, enjoyed some, and despised some more. I am no different than any one else though. These feelings, things, they aren't just mine. They belong to us all. Share and share alike. No need to get greedy with them. No need to hog them all. No need to think that yours are any better, or worse than anyone else's. No need to, feel, like they're all yours.

My sister told me once, of a saying that she uses to bring everything into perspective.

"Stop. Breathe. This is it."

That was it. Did you stop and take a second? Did you pause and take a deep breath? Did you feel the moment pass through your existence? Did you feel it? Did you take it all in? Did you step back and try to grab it before it slipped through your fingers? Did it feel wonderful? Did it feel exhilaratingly electrifying? Did you feel as though something special happened, and you were a part of it? Did it feel great? Did it feel totally awesome? Did you feel angry that you didn't just take the opportunity to grab a clue? Did you feel it at all?

I mean, did you really really feel it?

Did you?

Really?