08 18 11 All Grown Up

When I was a kid, I always wondered what on earth I  was going  to be when  I  grew up. Just the thought alone scared the crap out of me. Was I prepared to  grow up? Was I prepared to take on the responsibilities of growing old as I grew up? Who in their right mind would ever give a mixed up kid like me permission to grow up? Who in their right mind would ever think that I would ever make a good older person? How was I going to convince anyone that I was a good candidate for an adult? I didn’t even know how to drive a car. I couldn’t even get a girlfriend. I didn’t have a job, or a wallet, or a checking account. Heck, I didn’t have any money pretty much all of the time. I couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to pretend to be after I grew up.

I never thought I would ever get married. Just the thought of it scared the heck out of me. Married? Me? How could I think of getting married when I had all of this other kid stuff going on? Couldn’t you see I was busy worrying about zits? Priorities People!

How could I start feeling like a grown up when I was stuck in kid mode?

Every ounce of me screamed to be able to stay a kid forever. Maybe even longer than that. I can still remember asking my mom and dad if I could live with them until I died. They both smiled and assured me that I could. I thought we had a deal, and now look at me. Thanks a bunch guys. Smile.

. The thought of having to grow up and start smelling like an adult. The thought of having to shave every day, and wear suits and ties and shiny shoes and other articles of old people clothing and wash my own underwear and pay my own bills with money that I had to earn all by myself. Are you kidding me? It was just too much for my adolescent mind to wrap around.

 It all seemed so weird and out of reach. I just couldn’t comprehend any of it. I wanted to be a kid and have no responsibilities like a kid. I wanted to be taken care of forever. My parents had done a good job of it thus far, what was another 40 or 50 years? I mean, really. It’s just a snap of the finger. Besides, I still had a whole bunch of kid stuff left to finish up. I mean there was baseball, and skate boarding, and basketball, and junior high dances, and ice cream cones, and penny candy, and swimming, and hide and seek, and cub scouts, and tree climbing, and ice skating, and sledding, and bicycle riding, and summer rec, and a whole bunch of other kid stuff that I can’t remember right now. I am getting dizzy thinking about all of the stuff that I forgot. Couldn’t you see just how busy I was?

I used to think to myself, “Please let me continue on my merry little kid way a little longer. I promise to be good. I won’t be a bother, and I promise to eat all of my squash. Just kidding, I hate squash. I will even clean up my room once a week like I said I would. Ok, ok, umm, how about twice a month? I will mow the lawn and rake the leaves and take the trash.“

Funny thing is, I do a lot of that now, And I am a grown up, or at least I play one in real life. Shrug.

I still feel like a kid. I still have a lot of the same thoughts that I had when I was a kid. I stillsmell the same as I did when I was a kid. “sniff”, well, maybe a little different.

All of the anxiety I had about growing up, all of the fears I had about growing up, all of the worries about growing up, they all came and passed. Heck, I didn’t even notice most of them as they came screaming by. I guess the progression of life caught up with me. Clever crafty cunning little bugger, this life thing. Before you know it, it is happening to us all, one after the other. There isn’t much you can do about it either. At least there wasn’t much I  could do about it. It is what it is, and for the most part, it will be what it will be.

I never thought I would see the end of my childhood, and here it is, thirty plus years later. What in hell happened? Where did it go? Who put me here? How did I get here and who are these other people around me pretending to be adults? How did my hair get so gray and who put the floor so damn  far away? I want my money back! Oh ya, another thing, how did this beautiful woman become my wife? She must have me confused with a grown up.

Who is responsible for turning me old? Can I go back to kidville? Who stretched my skin out of shape, and put these lines in my face? Why does my back hurt all the time, and why can’t I see my feet? I want my mommy!

I just had to say that for effects.

Did it work?

I still would like to meet the people who thought I would make a good grown up.

 I would like to ask them just one simple question. What were you thinking?