May 22, 2011

May, 22 2011

It just seems that things were so much simpler when I was a young boy. Especially the summer time. I remember certain things back then and every now and then I get a feeling, a certain smell, or vision that takes me back to those golden days of my youth. The days when I didn’t have a care in the world seem a million miles away at times. I wish I could have bottled those feelings I had back then. I would be a much richer man today. Or would I?

Those feelings are still inside of me. Those sunny summer days popping dandelion tops while walking through the fields in front of my house are still with me. Riding my bike through   Daigle’s potato fields and down to the river to go swimming. Doing back flips off of the rope that swung out over the river. I remember everyone telling me that my older brother was the one that put the rope way up in that tree. I was awestruck at the thought. I remember trying to run as fast as my sister with my new Red Ball Jets sneakers. I know now that the reason I could not was because she had PF Flyers on. They were a much more superior sneaker and achieved warp speed quicker than mine. I remember swinging on the rope that my older brother once again put way up in the tree in front of our house. Swinging around in a circle for what seemed like hours on end. I am still dizzy to this day.

I remember playing baseball, baseball, and then playing some more baseball. Once in a while you could also find me outside playing baseball. My left hand smelled like a baseball glove most of the summer.

These feelings are still with me, and they will be with me for the rest of my life.

I remember knowing and feeling that whatever we did, we did it as a family. Everything just seemed so much fuller and richer knowing that I was part of such a wonderful thing. I don’t see how most of these memories would be possible without my family. That’s where the real sense of security came from.

It’s funny how certain things can trigger memories from way back then. A certain smell. Or a word, or an event. I have one certain memory of when I was roughly 6 or 7 in the living room of our home in Little Falls. It was just after dark. The day had been a busy day and I was sitting in front of the large window. The cool summer night air was coming in through the window. I don’t know if it was due to a certain smell in the air or just a cumulative feeling from the days events, but as the breeze washed over me I was instantly aware of just how safe and secure and content I felt. I have never had such a total feeling of satisfaction in my life. It seemed at that moment in time that my life had a purpose and meaning and direction that I think I have been chasing ever since. I have probably never ever since then felt a sense of security as I did at that moment in my life.

I  think sometimes that I have spent a lot of my life searching for those feelings that enveloped my childhood.

The summers used to go by so slowly back then, but just as soon as the summer started, it seemed like I was getting ready for the school bus again. Long summer days with no end in sight. Those are the days I remember well. There was always somewhere to be. Someone to be with. Something to do.

I don’t remember the bugs though. What’s up with the bugs now-a-days? I hate bugs. Especially the little minges, or no-see-ems.

Sorry, I got side tracked a bit.

Now where was I? Oh yes..

It seemed that I always had something wonderful to do in the summer. It was just so wicked fun. I loved every part of it. From the baseball games, to going to Pine Point, to the vacation trips down east, to taking a ride up to North Gorham and jumping off the wall into the lake. Did I mention the baseball games? It was all pure magic somehow, and I never wanted it to end.

I tried to give my son a taste of what I had as a child. We managed to keep him busy. His mum was the architect of so many of our wonderful times when he was young. I don’t know but I probably had just as good a time as he did. Maybe even more?

So many times when he was growing up I had those special feelings of my childhood enter my thoughts again. With the same warm glow, these chunks of my childhood flooded me with all of the same wonder that I felt from my own way back machine.

I am sure that we all have these special moments in our lives where we are transported back in time to our youth. It is these times that make me feel alive and wanting more of this wonderful stuff that we call life.

Well I am a few months older now. I am the perpetual grey haired billy goat, and my wife is managing to live with a perpetual grey haired billy goat.

We find ourselves with an incredible opportunity. We get to relive our childhood once again through the eyes of our grandson Jack.

It is such a wonderful gift to be able to do this one more time. One more childhood full of summers. One more childhood full of ice cream, and beaches, and swings, and walks on the ocean shores. One more childhood to take me back to my own childhood. One more chance to remember.

The perspective of a child is a simple one. It is full of wonder and amazement and passion and innocence and everything else that makes it one of the miracles that spin around the sun. I cherish my childhood and the family that came with it. Such a complete package there never was.

From generation to generation, this innocence will continue. It will live on and it will live forever in the hearts of the children. It will always live in my heart as well.

Well as always, my hands are cramping and I need a cookie.

Until we meet again.

May 14 2011

05 14 2011

I absolutely love my family. I wouldn’t trade any of them for any amount of money on the planet. There just couldn’t be another group of individuals who were more perfectly suited for me and my personality than the family I already have.

From the earliest memories I can recall, I have felt so safe , secure and at home with these wonderful people. I am not talking just of my immediate family, although there is none better, but of all my aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews and on and on. It seems that God put us all together to make one complete package.

I never felt safer than when I was with my parents and siblings. We were the clan that could never be derailed, no matter what the conditions. My parents were the foundation that all else grew upon and developed through the years. I have no better, warmer feelings than when I think back when I was a child with my family. So many memories that surround my past were blanketed by the pride and passion that our parents exuded onto ourselves as kids.

I tried to pass this incredible feeling of security onto my son. I suppose that most of the traits that I showed to him were those that were handed down to me by my mom and dad. Although my wife and I only had one child. We couldn’t have been more blessed with what we had. We were, as my childhood was, a complete package that I hope my son felt comfortable with.

I know it must have been a lot different for him growing up as an only child, but he was loved none the less, and all the more. I can still hear the excitement in my wife’s voice when she is talking about, or talking to him. He will always be our little bundle of joy.

As I have grown up and turned into a gray haired billy goat I feel as though I am as close, if not closer to my family than I have ever been. Not only because of this past years turn of events, but because I realize more than ever their importance in my own existence. They are the reason that I am who I am. No other person or thing has had the influence on me than they have. When I think of them I often am reduced to a teary eyed teddy bear with emotion oozing out of every pore that I have

I was not always like this. I often did think of them, but I never really got emotional while doing so. I don’t know if everyone goes through this, but I wouldn’t exchange the feelings for anything. It is pure emotion and it feels good to be able to have as much passion for my family as I do.

It is wonderful to hear the pure excitement in my wife’s voice when she is interacting with our grandson. It makes me think back to the look on my own grandparents faces while we use to visit them in the summers downeast. Those were great summers. Perfect in every way, and it was all made possible with love of family. That’s all you need really.

That’s the whole package. That’s what every soul should strive for. That’s the gas in my engine. The hop in my step. The sparkle in my eye. I don’t know how I could ever go on with out the thought of family not being there, either in flesh. Or memory.

The overwhelming feeling of being part of something so wonderful and precious and sacred and secure, well let me tell you, there is nothing better under the sun.

These wonders of the human heart will be passed down through the ages for ages to come. They will be done. The love will continue, as it always has, as it always will. There’s nothing that can be done to stop it, thank god.

I mean really, who would want to?

May 10 2011

May 10 2011

Well here I am with my second installment. It has been a few weeks and I still hate cancer. As a matter of fact, it sucks big time.

I hear every day of people who are consumed by this mother of a pot hole. I know all to well the destruction and devestation that is left in it’s wake.

Cancer has left it’s footprints in my doorway. It has tried to maneuver its way into my house on many occasions. It has managed to get into the entry way on a few occasions, only to be told to leave. It is not welcome in my house. It is not welcome in any house.

As I said on my first post, I ham a cancer conquerer as is my son. We are who we are, not what cancer wanted us to be. I will try and keep my comments on a level from my own perspective. I imagine that I do get carried away sometimes while talking about this. I guess I have the right to. I understand all too well what other people are going through, and I pray for them with all my heart and soul.

I have never been one to brag on myself or talk up my own accomplishments. It is not my nature. I am quite humble in my own right. I think I get that from my mom and dad. Rarely ever have I heard of them in any other way except to praise and build up their friends and family. They are without a doubt 2 of the most outgoing and unselfish people I know. They have always been an inspiration to me and I am sure to all of my siblings as well. I love you guys.

The early days of my presence on this earth were faced with one challenge after another. My mom and dad were put through an obstacle course that only a rare breed of people could endure. My wife and I were met with somewhat the same challenge when our son was born. Although we were more prepared than my folks were, we still were faced head on with the torment of having an infant with cancer. I guess that going through all that we went through, as well as my folks, made us all better, stronger, and more equipped to handle life’s twists and turns. It was a test to say the least. I realize that I will not graduate life’s school until the day when I meet my creator. It is then that I will finally realize all of the knowledge throughout my life thatI have gained.

To all of you out there who are battling cancer, God bless you and bravo. You are not alone. Never forget this. Don’t ever think that you have to go through this challenge by yourself. You don’t, and shouldn’t.

I was pointed out something the other day that I was quite aware of, but continued to overlook. The fact is that when people are asked to help others, it gives them just as good a feeling to help as it gives a good feeling to those that they help. I know on so many occasions while I have helped others in my life that this is true indeed. I got such a good warm feeling of accomplishment that I wanted it to never end. Some of my fondest memories are from times when I was helping others. I would hope that it is second nature for people to want to help others.

We all should help. After all, we all need it from time to time, don’t we? It is such a hard thing to reach out and ask for help sometimes. It is just so simple though.

 It is quite humbling to admit that you can’t do it all by yourself. After all, we are all taught to be self sufficient and make due with what we have. The conflict within is something that I have dealt with time and time again. With my recent struggles in my life, I have had to let down my gauntlet of misplaced pride and swallow a whole crap load of humility. It has done me good I am sure. Humility does the soul good. It brings us down to a level playing field so to speak. Not that I was ever on a higher level than anyone else, but it has given me a whole new perspective on my life and the people that are in and around it.

I still do not like to have to ask for help, but I am getting used to the idea that I need to from time to time. I am grateful that I have people in my life that have been there to help me and my family in our times of need. I love you all very much and I hope that I can be able to be of some help when the tables are turned.

Well, the dog has a cat cornered in the kitchen so I must end here. I might as well grab a cookie on the way.

Until we meet again, be well.