09 05 11 I'm What?

     I’m What?

Why, how old do I look? I don’t feel that old. I don’t even know how someone that old is supposed to feel. I am supposed to act like what? I beg your pardon? You’re not seriously telling me that I am , how old? No, I am not! Prove it? Ok then, I’ll just hop up onto the, umm,, I’ll just hop up,  hmmmm, What in hell happened to my hopper? Anyone seen my hopper? Could you lend me a hand please?

A state of mind is a mighty powerful thing, don’t you think? Oh what the hell would you know anyway? It can falsely lead you on, without ever really telling you what’s really going on. By the way, what in hell is going on anyway?

A state of mind can also be a wonderful thing. It can replace all of the negative thinking with a compass pointing due north into the sea of tranquility. As long as your dingy doesn’t have a major leak, you are in for a grand old ride. It can help you age gracefully, if there really is such a thing,Is there?

I don’t feel the age that I am, well, most of the time anyway. I just don’t see how I got this old this fast. Wasn’t it just yesterday, or the day before when I was riding my bike back home from Little League practice? Might as well stop at Dar’s Dairy Bar and get a Monster Shake on the way home, or a  double header ice cream cone smothered in jimmies.

How did I get here so fast, and where did everybody go? They were all here just a second ago.

Where did all my Hot Wheels go? Have you seen my Schwinn Sting Ray bike anywhere? I thought I put it right over there, and where are my new Red Ball Jets sneakers? My mom and dad just bought them for me you know. I outgrew them when? Converse All Stars? Really? Could you please tell me where my G.I. Joe’s are, and my new Tonka dump truck?

Oh just forget it, I think I would rather just go out in the field and climb that apple tree that is right out, huh? Where did the apple tree go? Where is our  old house? Who cut the rope swing out of the tree out front, and where are the play pants that my mom just put the knee patches on? Seen my skateboard? No, I didn’t think so. What good are you anyway?

I don’t live here anymore? We moved away when? Huh? Where to? No way! New Hampshire? And then back to Maine? Really?

I seem to remember sitting in Spanish class in High School. That really did happen, right? I thought so. Then I got married right? Yes I remember, it was just a few days ago. What? How long ago? No way. Really? So that’s how I got here?

Seems to me I had a son crawling around here across the kitchen floor just a few minutes ago. Where in blazes did he go? It’s time for me to give him his bath, right? I mean, please, where did “He” go? I need him to hurry up, the school bus will be here in a couple minutes, and he still needs to learn how to ride his new bike, huh? He is working now? Where? He is? What the,? I didn’t even remember to give him his lunch money! Does he need a ride home? He has his own car too? When did he get his license? He did? Who taught him how to drive? I did? That long ago? What the.?

I seem to remember a tall beautiful girl with dark brown hair and a beautiful smile also. Have you seen her? Oh yeah, she’s right over there, and she hasn’t changed a bit.

Hey! How come she hasn’t changed, and there is a gray haired billy goat staring back at me in the mirror? What’s going on, and who glued this other chin to my face?

Didn’t I used to wear size 36/36 pants just the other day? Who bought me all these size 40/34’s? So I am getting wider, and shorter? How wonderful! You think that’s funny? I think it’s just another sick twisted joke that you all are in on. I know it, I just know it!

And could you please tell me who put the stupid floor so far away from me? What kind of sick demented prank is this? A moveable floor. What will they think of next? Feet that slowly disappear? I can just picture it. Hey wait a second, where in hell did my feet go, and how come there is more hair on  my back than on the top of my head? Who’s brilliant idea was that? Why do I ache everywhere, did I sleepwalk with a gang banger from East L.A.? What is that weird smell? What? It’s me? How long have I smelled like this? Really? Could someone please tell me, is that my dog that’s staring at me? Why is she staring at me anyway? She wants me to give her a what? A treat? I think I need a treat more than she does. This is getting out of hand now people. Cut it out already!

Next thing you’ll be telling me is that I have a grandson or something.  Huh? I have a what? Me? What the? Isn’t my son too young to have kids of his own? He’s how old? What? You’re kidding, right? I suppose he calls me Grampa or some old name like that? He calls me what? Ok, now this is really starting to freak me out.

Boy I would love to  just go out in the driveway and hop into my ’72 Chevelle and just take off and  leave all this, What? Where is my Chevelle? I traded it? When? 1985? For what? Another Chevy? Chevy what? Cavalier? What in hell is a Cavalier, and where is my Chevelle?

I think you are seriously deranged my friend, why I bet if I looked out into the driveway I would see my old, what is that maroon van doing in my driveway? It’s mine? Oh man, that’s a Chevy too? A Chevy  what? Uplander? What in hell is an uplander? this is getting ridiculous. I need a beer. What? I don’t drink beer any more? Fruit juice? Please tell me it isn’t prune juice at least. Phew. Huh? It is prune juice? Now this is getting way outta hand!

What are all these pills? Who takes them all? Me? Oh hell to the no! Do I look like a lab rat to you? I don’t think so! You are out of your mind! I do? Really? For what? At my age? Why, how old am I? Huh? I am how old? This is so very very wrong in so many different ways.

Boy I could use a beer! Oh ya, I forget. Well then, at least let me bum a cigarette off of you, huh? I don’t what?