10 30 11 Excuse Me?

Excuse me? Did I hear someone say “Chocolate?” I just know I did. Where are they? Let me at ‘em!

Why is it that I crave it so? Why is it that I lust for the creamy rich sweet taste that runs down the back of my throat? Why is it that when I bite down and feel the sweet smoothness filling my cavities I smile? Pushing and smooshing the chocolate against the roof of my mouth with my tongue, it feels almost illegal talking about it, like I should be censored or something.  Hershey’s Adult Novelty Bar. Smile.

Can someone please tell me what’s wrong with me? Can someone please tell me where to go to get a prescription or something to rid me of this affliction? Surely there must be a remedy for my constant cravings for the stupid stuff? There just has to be.

Help.

M&M’s, Reeces Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, 5^th Avenue, Zero, Sixlets, Rolo’s, Whoppers, Clark Bar, Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bars Nestle’s Crunch, Frozen Charleston Chews. Someone, Please Make Them Stop!

No matter how big a bag of chocolate we buy, as soon as it gets home, and opened, it’s half gone! How does that happen? Did someone let the little nasty chocolate goblins into the house? Is our house haunted, or is it just me, in a chocolate black out? I mean, we just opened it up, and it is almost gone all ready!

I never even thought, as I started this rant, that tomorrow is Halloween for crying out loud!  How fitting and proper. Here, here’s a couple thousand extra fat cells around your ponch sir, and thank you.

Hershey’s miniatures. Give me a break if you please! More like Hershey’s bag full of miniature torment! The guy that invented this bag full of relentless delight should be in jail, or given the Nobel Peace Prize.

More like the Nobel Piece of Chocolate hypnosis prize.

Ok, I get it. I look like a fish, right? I see the bait. Looks yummy to me. I think I will take just a little nibble and, WHAMMO! Oh no, I think I am hooked, and they are reeling me in. Oh goodie, I am being pulled into a 24/7 choco sushi bar with a never ending supply of hot fudge on top of a chocolate ice cream blizzard with Reeces Peanut Butter Cups! What fun! Oh joyous occasion being had by yours truly! How convenient! Go ahead boys, keep reeling me in! There ya go.

Why is it that all of life’s twists and turns seem so much simpler with a piece of chocolate headed towards my mouth? Why is it that all of life’s troubles seem smaller with a hand full of milk chocolate chips headed down my gullet? Why is hot fudge so good? Why did you get your chocolate in my peanut butter? Why is it that M&M’s never do melt in my hands? Is it because I just pour them right from the bag into my mouth, skipping the stupid hand part of the process? Could that be why? I mean, it is just so painfully silly to waste valuable time looking at them while they are in your hand. I’m just saying. Another one of life’s mysteries put to rest. &Why do dentists smile every time they see a Three Musketeers commercial on TV? How fast can an average man unwrap a Hershey’s Kiss, and how many can he eat in a minute? Seems like a lot of wasted tin foil if you ask me. I’m just saying.

 How come the milky smooth content has a way of fooling you into another piece?

I never used to be this pathetic. I never used to be magnetically pulled towards the candy aisle. I never used to holler out with glee when I saw a bag of candy that had the label, “33 Percent More Absolutely Free”. I never used to give a rat’s behind about chocolate. Well, that’s not all together true.

OK, OK, I admit it! It is a life long addiction! There, I feel better, or I feel worse, or I feel like another piece of chocolate! I am so confused!

I feel like Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams. If you make it, I will come, so get the hell out of my way! I am very glad that I don’t live near Hershey Pennsylvania. They would have to cut a hole through a wall in my house to get me out, because I would probably be as big as a house.

Hmmmm.

Pondering on home deliveries of chocolate.

Hmmmm.

Still pondering.

I won’t even begin to talk about chocolate pastries. Nope. Not going there. Little Debbie? I hate her! I know that she may love me, but she would be the first one that I would arrest. Taking advantage of a poor lost soul just looking for his next fix. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, smiling on the side of that delivery truck like an innocent little girl. Bad, bad Little Debbie! I do love your Swiss Rolls though, and your brownies, especially the Cosmo ones with the little bits of chocolates on the tops, all gooey and, huh? What? You little! See what I mean? They draw you near, and then, “Oh hello there little miss twenty two thousand calorie girl, smiling on the side of that stupid truck!

Criminal I Tell Ya!

I might not be able to see the delectable little gobs of fat any more, cleverly displayed on the shelves of the conveniently manipulative convenient stores, but they still scream out my name and taunt me on a regular basis. Once a fool.

Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Milk Chocolate. It’s an American dream.

Yesterday I had the fortune to have lunch with my dear cousin from down state, and she gave me a gift. She gave me a Ziploc bag of chocolate.

I hate to tell you Cuz, but the contents of the bag never made it home. Not even close. I mean I love you and all, but what in the world were you thinking? Thanks though.

I guess one good thing is that I can’t recall ever dreaming about chocolate. Maybe there is still hope for me yet? Maybe I can be pulled back from the Chocolate Abyss of Pleasurable Death?

Watch, tonight I will dream of one of my wife’s chocolate mayonnaise cakes.

Speaking of that, she was supposed to make me one this weekend.

Oh Honey!?