2012 03 10 Perfect Fit

Well hi there, once again.

I have written before how inept I felt with certain things when I was young. One of those things was the fact that I would eventually grow up and have grown up responsibilities.

Are you serious? Me? Grown up responsibilities?

I did feel inadequate, so much that I dreaded the thought of having to leave the familiar comfort of my kid life. I did realize that there were probably more things to have, and do, and feel, being an adult. I did realize that there also was a lot of grown ups that had been kids, and they seemed to be doing relatively fine in their grownup roles.

I just didn’t think that I would fit in. I didn’t think I had what it took to be an adult. I wasn’t smart enough, or skilled enough, or strong enough. None of it seemed like I would be able to fit into. It just didn’t seem to fit.

Well, there I was, chugging along, comfortable and content being a kid. I had a good home, with good parents, good siblings, and for the most part, it all seemed to fit. I didn’t have to worry about having to grow up. I could just be a kid.

Probably the time in my life when things started changing was when I started working at my dad’s shop. I was thrust into a world of change, and even though it didn’t seem that I would fit in, I eventually did. I became good at the tasks I was taught to do, and very good at the tasks I instinctively knew how to do. I got along very well with my co-workers, and learned the trade from the bottom up. I realize that being the boss’s son might have had a little to do with people getting along with me, but I soon learned that it was because of me, because of my own personality that helped me.

Being brought up in my home had truly given me a head start on being an adult, and I didn’t even know it. I had grown up always watching and studying and learning from my parents, and mostly from my older brother and sisters. Wanting to be like them, wanting to be older, like them, it all molded me and steered me into being an adult. They all helped me to be able to fit.

Well, there I was, a teenager, working with a bunch of adults, and getting along with them. I was learning from them, as I had done from my family. I desired to be older, and for the first time, I didn’t fear the consequences of becoming an adult. It was all quite exciting, and it gave me a special feeling that maybe even I could turn into one of these grown ups. It was very exciting indeed.

One thing that I seemed to dread mostly about growing up was my interactions with those of the opposite sex. Nothing made me feel like a completely unprepared kid more than the thought of girl friends, relationships, or finally maybe even getting married some day. That didn’t seem to fit, no matter how I tried rearranging it.

Like I said in my last blog, things just happened, and all of those inhibitions were disappearing. I had grown up, and had found a woman that smoothed over all of my panic and fear and self doubt. I had found comfort and joy and happiness, and through it all, I had found that it seemed to fit. It seemed to fit just fine.

With a quick turn of the head, and a couple steps forward, I found myself firmly planted in a grown up’s life. I didn’t even see it coming for the most part. I didn’t know all of the changes that I had gone through. I didn’t know how my responsibilities had changed. I didn’t have a clue when the change occurred, but it had. The change had happened very gradually, and my adult life had started. Thank God it waited for me to catch up.

Ha! Who am I kidding? I am still catching up. I still can’t believe sometimes how I got here, and how fast it all happened.

Now I’m fifty something, and my son is turning thirty. Thirty? Are you kidding me? Thirty? Wasn’t I thirty just a few days ago? How in hell did he get to be thirty so fast? Help!

His childhood went by in the blink of an eye. I wish someone would have told me, so I would have slowed things down a little. It was just way too fast, and I wish more than ever that I could go back and relive it all.

Wow! I went from having to be shown how to hold him, to burping him, to watching him sleep in his crib, to rocking my little Peeper to sleep, to helping him sit up. Look at him, he’s crawling now! Man, that’s so cool. He’ll probably be walking soon, and then, holy moly! Look at him go! Don’t forget to take a picture of him getting onto the bus for his first day of school. Thanks cutie. What song did you learn in school today kiddo? Hats? Hats for sale? Did you grow out of those sneakers already? How did you get so tall, and watch out for that blue spruce! Whoops, you bent the handle bars on your first bike. Stop crying, it’ll be ok. I’ll teach you how to skate, and for heaven’s sake, don’t fall out of that tree! Just try not to get into trouble and I will let you sit in my lap and steer my truck. Watch out for that mail box! That’s better

You know, your sneakers smell like McDonalds food, and yes, I’ll pick you up at closing tonight. Just make sure you bring out a bag of left overs for your dear old dad, ok? Thanks, I love McNuggets at eleven thirty at night.

. Parallel parking? Are you kidding me? You got your permit? Oh how cool. Now I can start eating anti acids by the bushel. So this is what happened to my parents. Sorry guys, really.

You didn’t get your license the first time? The second time though, right? Oh joy. Now you can drive by yourself and I can reserve a room at the psych ward with a view.

I’ll be ok though, just make sure to straighten your cap and tie at graduation. How proud am I? I mean, really!

Did I just hear you say you bought a house, and this is my grand son, right? How can that be? How did I grow up so fast? How did this little baby in my arms become my grand son? And he is turning six next month? My little Jack Jack? Six next month? Wow! Are you serious? Hello?

Fifty years, like, “snap” that. In a blur. In a flash. In a jiffy, and here I am, all grown up, and waiting for the dust to settle down some so I can figure out where I am. I did finally grow up, right? I mean I can’t be this big and still be a kid, right? I guess I finally did grow up after all. Mostly on the outside though.

I mean, you didn’t really expect me to be able to fit into, this, all at once now.

Did you?