2012 03 12 What's The Combination?

Hi again.

I have tried to always be positive and upbeat, with a dash of family thrown into the mix in these blog posts, for the most part. I have dove head first into my mush melon and tried to get some of what’s going on in there down on this screen. Sometimes it works out ok. Sometimes I search for the positivity. I always write what I feel and think. I always seem to manipulate some kind of point with my posts. I thank you all who have lent me hearty comments. It really has picked me up most days. I dread to think where I would be without all of you.

I had a situation today that set me back a dozen steps or so. I was not prepared for it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was left with an old mind set trying to make heads or tales out of a truly unfamiliar situation. I was unsure of all of the things and ways that I have pulled through the difficult things this past year and a half. I was left with just me, completely unaware of anything else but me. Completely unaware that I was so close to having a good time, but even closer to letting things disintegrate in a flash. I couldn’t see the choices I had, nor did I really want to. I was stuck inside of me, the old me, and it felt so familiar that I let it talk me out of any form of common sense.

I was outside walking Deena on a leash when I walked head first into a thicket of alders. It scared me so bad that I let go of the dog leash and just stood there, panicked, and unsure what to do next. It really did scare the you know what out of me.

I was so flustered; I pulled the covers up tight around me and retreated into that lonely place that I don’t like to let anyone else into. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I didn’t care what the outcome of my actions were, all I knew was I wanted out, I wanted out as quick as I could get out.

I did not anticipate walking head first into the bushes. Probably that’s the reason that it affected me so. I was reminded again today of just how blind I am. It was scary. It was relentless and pounded me back into my obvious state. It reminded me of just how fragile I am, from the inside out. It reminded me of how lucky I am to have the people in my life to help me get through times like this.

I have put my wife through some difficult days. For the most part, I can honestly say that at times, I am the poster child for selfishness. I have done this without regard to what she has to go through being around me. Once again I am forced to look at how I can get through these rough patches without grabbing her and dragging her through it with me.

I suppose I am much better off today than I was a year and a half ago. I should be. I should be, and knowing that these rough patches still affect me in such a way, really makes me step back and look at my progress from a different perspective.

Although I try to see things from other peoples perspectives, I realize that no matter how much I tell myself that I can, I can not, and don’t. I am stuck in my perspective, and until it comes around to be able to see things from a different angle, I am stuck with it, with me.

I have learned many tools these past twenty months. I have even been given a wonderful tool box to keep all these wonderfully useful items in. Unfortunately, someday, I can not remember the combination to the lock, and I am forced to take on the days challenges with my wicked old tools. I was never too good with my old stuff. Most of it I had let just lay around and get rusty and dusty. To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember where I put that stupid tool box. Probably hauled it off to the dump or the Salvation Army. Seeing as I wasn’t using it, I probably figured they could get some use out of it.

I do have my routines around the house. Some days I even forget that I have a vision loss while I am running through these routines. Three steps, turn right, lean forward, and grab the handle and turn. It’s a piece of cake. I haven’t kicked anything real hard, or broke a toe since I started wearing the hard soled slippers my mom and dad sent me a few months back. Thanks guys. Of course, I did kick the living room door last night and tore all the skin off the top of one of my toes. I didn’t break it though, and I wasn’t wearing the slippers. I am chuckling. My poor toes have taken the worst toll of all. I am walking around the house in a size thirteen frame of mind. The only bad thing is, I have size fifteen and a half feet. Now I bet you are chuckling too.

I was surprised enough today, so that it scared the crap out of me. I panicked and acted like a little me. I ruined a perfectly good start to a wonderful afternoon. I let my vision loss get the better of me. I don’t like when that happens. I don’t like it at all. Every so often, I am reminded, quite unexpectedly, of just how much I can not see. I am reminded that I am different than I used to be, and that requires a different mind set. I am also reminded though, of just how fortunate I am to have the help of some amazing people.

My wife tops the list, by far.

I moped my way into the living room, turned the TV on, and listened to an old episode of Big Valley. I hadn’t watched that show since I was a teenager. I laid there for an hour or so, Hi coco, good girl, Where was I? Oh yeah, there I was, on the couch. I have to admit that I was feeling rather sorry for myself. I am good at that too. I tried to have a nap, but couldn’t. The dogs just wouldn’t cooperate.

Well, I got up and headed into the kitchen and turned on the Howie Carr radio show. Then I went in the laundry room and put a load of clean clothes away, and swapped the wet load into the dryer. Before I knew it, I had found my old routine again. I was still blind, but I was fully aware of it, and knew I would be ok. Everything’s gonna be ok. EGBOK. One of my favorite slogans.

The day isn’t ruined. No matter how much my attitude tried to gobble it all up and ruin every last drop of it, it just blew me off and bypassed my crappy attitude. No matter how frozen in time my frame of mind gets into, the days never stop. No matter how stuck in my relentless crap filled attitude I get in, today doesn’t care one bit. It’s gonna rise and set, just like it did the day before, and just like it will tomorrow. I guess it has better things to do.

Come to think of it, so do I.