2012 02 19 Well Hello There!

I haven’t written too much about my vision loss, and that surprises me, as it totally consumed most of my early days leading me away from that dark day back in June of 2010. It really does surprise me, seeing as how I could not stop thinking about it. I mean after all, I was living it. I couldn’t get away from it. I couldn’t stop thinking about. It totally consumed every aspect of my days and nights. I would go to sleep at night thinking about it, and I would wake up in the morning thinking about it. There wasn’t too much time during the course of the day when I wasn’t wrapping my melon around it either. I just couldn’t get away from it. None of it.

Some of my first dreams that I had after losing my sight were usually scripted from the same framework. I would be able to see in the dream, then I would realize that I was supposed to be blind. The feeling that I got in those dreams was truly made of goodness, as I was instantly cured, and my vision restored. Though somewhere along the dream I would finally realize that it in fact was a dream, and that I was part of it.

Cruel joke on me by my psyche? Perhaps so, but I took those wonderful feelings of sight with me into my day, and they kept me company through many dark days.

Other than the love of my wife, and family, along with a lady named Leona, I didn’t really have much to latch onto back then.

Back then. Kind of makes it sound like so long ago. In a way, it was a long time ago. Nearly twenty one months have gone by, and we’re headed towards twenty two.

Like I was saying before my tangent laden mind took off on me again, I really didn’t have much to latch on to back then. I had family, and God only knows where I would be right now without them.

I couldn’t though, find many positives in those first few weeks, and most days found me scratching and clawing to make it to my pillow again at the end of the day. I would randomly break down in tears at the drop of a thought. I would easily crawl into a corner, wound up tightly into a neat little ball of thumb sucking adolescent behavior that would closely resemble that of a lost infant soul, crying out for help, but not knowing where the help was being offered from. I could have easily fallen pray to the demons in my head, and stayed that way for the rest of my life.

I don’t think anyone really knows how they would react in situations, unless they actually have to live them. The old sayings tend to hold true at every turn.

With some amazing help, and tremendous guiding hands, I have been able to fight my way out of my “being” state of mind, and found my way into the “doing” phase of my current existence. I do so like the latter so much more. I am also aware that at the drop of a hat, I could easily fall back into the 4 bedroom condo between my ears. I mean, it is spacious, and has a wonderful view. Low rent, public transportation, how could anybody could go wrong?

I can’t stay there though. I have tried it a couple of times, and it does nothing for me. It is useless. It is a stain on success. It is marred with roadblocks and detours that lead me back to the same stupid spot, inside my head.

I listen to my iPod every night before I nod off into la-la land. My music, as I have written about, manages to somehow keep me whole. It lives within me, and plays 24/7.

I have met some amazing people through all of my vocational rehab, and am sure that I will continue to meet more as I chug along. I have gone through, and completed my pc training. I was sad to see that come to an end, but my tutor told me that I was at the point where he really couldn’t teach me anything else. That was the first time that being called a “no it all” was a good thing.

I am still working on my Orientation and Mobility lessons, and will continue with them until my instructor Rosemary has had enough of me. I usually get the crap scared out of me on every lesson, still, and that is a good thing, because if I stop feeling, then I stop learning. I feel like learning still, so they go hand in hand. I still don’t like my cane very much, but it has gotten me through some incredible obstacles, so I have to give it credit. It’s not a bad cane, it just keeps reminding me that I am blind, and I hate that. I hate it with a passion. I am getting used to the fact, but it is still quite an annoyance.

I have written about a lot of different things these past months. I have been submitting some of the pieces I have written and have actually had some luck with getting a few of them published. I belong to two writers groups, and have been to the State Capital twice in the last two weeks. I have witnessed the state forums of legislature for the first time, and it excites me to think where my future will take me. That, in and of itself, is so different than my past. I was so complacent back then, and was satisfied to just “be” for the remainder.

I don’t want to just “be” any more. I really feel like I have to “do”, and so, here I go.

I will end here, so that I can annoy you all at a later date.

Stay warm, and keep well all.